I'm sure I'm not alone for feeling fed up some days. I've grown a bit, everyday I'm growing, just a little but a whole lot. Life embarks new meanings everyday and yet at the same time, loses it. I hope this post will give you some insight into the woman that I am becoming. Though it is a glimpse of me, you will never really know all of me. Neither will I. From a cell biologist's point of view, life must be cheap. We are but mere contributions of cells that happen to divide and grow. Our very existence can be traced back to a single cell, a single element, almost from nothing. From nothing, we became something, yet being something will eventually become nothing. And the cycle continues. I think I should blame myself more than anything, for the dissatisfaction I incur while I grow everyday . These simple ideas have sprung webs of detail and intricacies in my mind. I could easily accept the futile movement of life, carry on, learn, 'live', grow, search, want, forget, hurt, hate and love what is in front of me, and just that. I could stubbornly ignore the aching need to search for a true meaning of existence, I could forget the big picture and live for the road just ahead. Not minding my destination. I could, I could. But what makes us unique is not us. Every decision, every rational and irrational decision we make, we are compelled to think that it is us that makes them. What controls you is not you, but the relations between cells in your body. What controls our happiness or sadness? Isn't it just how the body perceives things, and then controls to react? What makes someone happy is different for every person. Yet we are all composed by the same cell types. So the only logical response I can deliberate is that our uniqueness is governed by how many of each cell type we are composed of and that we are slaves to our own bodies. Our bodies trick us into thinking we control them, but it is our bodies that control us. Answer me this if you disagree, if you could control your body, why is that you cant fight cancer the way you want to? You can't tell cells to stop rejecting itself? You can barely control your heartbeat or the way your body burns fat. You can barely control your digestive system or the immune system. Your body can react to foreign matter and viruses and instinctively know what to do when food enters it without you consciously telling it. Tell me, why you are unable to control the basic functions of your body? The body is tricky, it lets you feel like you are in control. For example, because you want to eat food, you will eat food and pick up food and cook food. But why do you want to eat food in the first place? Because you need food? Why do you need food? To gather nutrients so that your physical being is capable of surviving? To power neurons in your brain, your muscles and bones, feed the cells growing in your body? Hence your body needs food so it tells you to gather it. You are merely a slave that has manifested a state of power. Conduct a simple test and you will recognise this is true; If you were to starve yourself, you will reach a point in time where your body will urge you to give in and feed it. Your mind will project pictures of food and your stomach will churn to notify you of it's emptiness. You will eventually cave or die. Either way, your cause will be lost. So despite wanting to prove your authority, you will realise that you have none. How are we different from a record player or a mobile phone? They too are made up of lots of components enabling them unique functions, yet at the end they manipulated by powers that are beyond their control. They may not want to play music or transmit radio waves, yet we manipulate them for our benefit. How are we different from a sodium atom? Whose purpose is not to form salts or any other compound for that matter. Yet they are manipulated by their surroundings. I guess in some ways this post must seem ironic. We can argue that it is only my body that has compelled me to write this and not me. 'Cos sometimes I feel like I dont exist at all. Or maybe I do. I can't answer that one yet.

Some days I feel like my old self; the girl I kinda just am in general but dislike most of the time. Some days I fall into the habit of being my old self, someone who's overemotional, too insecure and craves attention. Those days are tiring and lonely and overwhelming. Then when there are days that I am my new self, I become frustrated at the path of self destruction that my old self had left behind. I make those vows to never return to my old self, turn over a new leaf and move forward. I clean out and clear out. I sit and think and plan, but unfortunately that is generally where I stop. It's hard, because all my life I've learnt and grown into this person I almost despise and I hardly know any better. I hardly know any different. It's confusing too, because there is no real old and new, the lines are blurred not just in the middle but everywhere. And I sit helplessly. Maybe I don't like the new me either. Maybe I dont like any me. What a shame.

Bless me for being of Asian descent and getting to celebrate the beginning of two years every year. Twice as much food and superstitions, twice as much fun and love, twice as much reflections and resolutions? (excuse the grammar, I will definitely work on that this year) I have learned to be happy; on my own. Learned to take time to understand me, patience at its best. I have learned to control my emotions; slowly. Hold back where necessary and appreciate every experience and relationship. I want to be more content with myself this year. I want to strive harder, reach for higher and be satisfied whatever the outcome. This year, I will not commit to any definite goals, I will not promise any more promises. But I will try and be all I can be. And be here next year to tell you I am happy with the way things panned out. Happy New Year Linh xx

I dont think Im scared of falling in love like I used to be. I never use to think I was afraid to fall in love. I thought I was always searching for it. Always waiting or wishing, hoping, making goals to fall in love. Be in love. Live the love and make all reasons true. But now I know for sure, I was pretty scared. My inferiority complex hindered me, but now I know for sure, I was scared. I dont think Im scared much these days, of failing or falling. I look forward to picking myself up. Sharing the experience and even if its for myself, remembering all these experiences that ink to paper would never suffice. A good writer rarely knows what they're talking about. They spill hopes and dreams and portray the imagined truth. Things we find to be too cliched or too fairytale are always too good to be true. Great writers write what they know. But great writers are often overlooked and underrated. The truth is not enough for many. I never use to leave myself so open. Wear my heart on my sleeve like the fools do. I was pretty scared, trying to be one step ahead. I thought if I was ahead nothing would hurt me. But things are meant to hurt. People are suppose to feel and cry and love and hate. They're suppose to cry till they find a better place. They're suppose to love like they cant anymore. For some, emotions have become obsolete. Obsession and greed are mainly the culprits for our new set of mind. But I was born crying and laughing and smiling. I was born to be mad and confused and sad. I will use all of these emotions to capture what some are afraid to do. Welcome 2010 with a new smiling heart, worn on my sleeve for all to see. Because it is the fools who live life. It is the fools who have the last to say.

So I was flicking through the all knowing mx on the train the other day. What can I say? I enjoy high class reading. Anyway, I stopped on page something something cos I got a text from a friend and as I returned to scan the page I found myself looking at a blackberry advertisement. Now don't get me wrong, I definitely wouldn't stop to look at this shit for a second if I hadn't been stopped by my friend. I'm not into high end buys. I would probably make more use of the phone as a paperweight than explore the exciting functions that everyone seems to be so hyped about. Call me old fashioned, but I definitely just text and call with my phone, oh and the occasional MMS and shit games that particular phone happens to provide. Isn't that what we do with phones? So really now, back to the story, the advertisement's marketing scheme was something alone the line of 'Love Blackberry' but instead of the having an O for the word Love, it had the blackberry symbol (well bare with me guys, I'm assuming it is, you know? the buttons and shit). The text was going on how Like was a watered down version of Love, Love conquers all, Love is all reason. All that cliche kinda jazz that makes me wanna puke (sometimes really). Yeah well the funny thing is, I was baking tonight and my mum was in the living room watching some paris by night. I mean really, if you dont watch Paris by night or have no knowledge of it at the least, you're not really Vietnamese. Really. Yeah so quit being all un-cultured and interrupting my story, but yeah there was this Vet lady singing an English song. It was quit terrible, I mean I dont even sing so I shouldn't really be judging the poor lady but what-evs. And she was singing something like 'You think yellow and I say gold' repeatedly. It was quite annoying at first cos the song was heaps repetitive you know? Like it wasn't even catchy repetitive. But thats beside the point, my first trains of thoughts were more like a really annoying hoon ripping your street up and refusing to leave. Though after a while it parked itself somewhere between accepting and pensive. What's the shit deal about gold anyway? I had a conversation with a friend once about gold, and he was all smart and like said 'I'd build myself a house of gold if I had a gajillion tonnes'. I mean, really? Sure it's malleable, its a metal of all, first things first, so it's suppose to be a good conductor, it has a bright (BRIGHT) yellow luster, and I guess it doesn't really oxidise too much against H2O. Oh wow, I should stop writing about gold before I think of building a house as well. But lets think about it? What if you were in a mad thunderstorm, no doubt your house might get struck by lightning, and dude if the day was hot (like 40+ hot) you could probably almost fry an egg on your floor or roof. And if its so bright, you'd have to wear sunnies all day, which I guess isn't too bad for the ugly people (nah im jokes holmes), but if you paint your walls a dull shade of yellow you could probably deal with it, hell all my walls are 'mill flour yellow' whatever that means. But bright sparkling gold? All day everyday? No thank you. So like, gold's no go for a house I reckon. So really my point, lets get to it before you guys leave. Cos I mean it would be a shame really, I'd at least want you to leave with some kind of final wrap moral. Think of it as my gift to you for reading this squabble. So really my point is that, that cliche bs just doesn't cut it anymore. I mean I'm pretty traditional in most senses but whats wrong with Like? And what's wrong with Yellow? Don't rip on shit just cos there's better shit out there. But hell thats not even the point, we're talking half empty, half full here. I mean whats the point in loving your blackberry? Save it for something that can love you back. Don't love the materialistic and superficial. They're only going to eat it all up and love themselves even more. Seriously, blackberries, iphones, laptops, hiptops, they're just major teases. They let you think they're all the shit, hot shot callers, got it all. You carry them babies home full of anticipation, gently wiping the screen with tender love and care. Buying them cases, screen protectors, cases, cradles. And then what? The bloody system comes out with a new tech, its got more memory, more functions, more this and that. It's hotter. It's the new shit. So what do you do with your old love? Say, 'Sorry baby, its not working, I've found someone new, sorry baby, it's not you, its me'. Eff that shit. I will not Love my blackberry, there's nothing wrong with just liking my blackberry. But these marketing guys, what are they thinking? They feed on peoples insecurities and pure ignorance. If you tell me to love my blackberry then why would I buy your next one. Don't throw these words around like they're the shit. Man, I'm angry now. Why are cliches overused phrases that have lost their meaning? I'll tell you why, cos these stupid advertisements have triggered us to believe shit that just aint true just by twisting words and shit around. I'd like to use a cliche once in a while and not have someone slap me on the back and say 'shit son, you're so ol school, get with the times'. Eff that, Like doesn't water down Love. It's those mothafucking money hungry tech companies that water it down. Nah but for real, I could go on but I wont. Let you niggaz rest. Peace.

I, like most, struggle with my inadequacy. To the point where I dumb myself to fit in, lower my esteem to deny any inspiration, to the point where I lose all reasons.

I, like most, struggle with my potential. To the point where I believe my lies to help ease the pain, accept my fate to hide from any search, to the point where I lose all reasons.

I write, I am worth much more than you give credit. I speak, to deny your true feelings is to deny your existence. Yet I do, almost nothing to fulfill my own empty holes, voids filled with adequacy, inspiration and potential.

Like most, I struggle.

But there always comes a time, when one breaks away from the prison and chains of regret and fear. To fly free like birds in the sky and breathe air of nomads alike. That time comes when one has had enough, feared enough and refuses to face regret.

I am worth more than you give me credit, so you should know.

There is something about writing here that is so romantic. It opens the door to adventure and expression. It's existence is something inspiring and creates a facade which may not exist in what reality can handle. The fluidity of words may play the record of what seems unspoken; broken and raw, Its convenience lives in an anonymous character. Words connect where elsewhere is painful. A place where letters can play amongst themselves in a jubilant way, carefree and wonderful, un-afraid. This euphoric sanctuary can be found in the medium that we choose to use, conversations that we remember having, and conflicts that we constantly experience. A space where judgement is held against just these words I have chosen to use. There is no mess, no ink spilt across a notebook, no blood spread against a canvas. It starts here, ends right here and is barely visible to the world. I could die tomorrow, and my words could be found or be kept hidden amongst the masses of zeroes and ones, sunk beneath the blanket of posts by people more lively, people more bold, people who think, or are, sure.

But there is something about writing here that is so lonely. This fine poetry in all its anonymities creates a barrier against those willing to seek what they are searching to find. And the writer who searches for the one soul who truly understands. If there were no aim to write, would we write at all? Yet everything we do compliments our journey. MIstakes and successes, truths and secrets, shape the very being of who we are, what we seek and much more than we even know.

We are all just looking for somewhere to fit in, aren't we? Is it enough to seek riches, happiness and love? We seek what many before have inspired to achieve, we look in places where those have been, and we play history over again and again, forever unchanged. Is it enough to repeat what those have done? To be the same. Do we aspire to achieve something homogenous; the perfect life? Yet why do we contradict our actions by struggling to find ourselves. The need to love ourselves in every way, imperfect and flawed, is always becking. What is it that we really want? To love or be loved, to love more, or be loved more? To dine ourselves amongst materialistic riches or have just enough to survie and just a little extra for security? Our actions define us, but if our actions constantly conflict, how is it that we define ourselves?

The differences that divide us are real. But our fear of this is what unites us. You can believe that may be this rat race is necessary, its futile objectives important to help us reach that spiritual peace we are all working so hard to find. Or believe that it is all a lie. A ploy created to suppress a potential. Either are truths but either are lies.

Why am I always so scared, and ready for a fight, when all I want is to exist here with all my vulnerability? Here and everywhere.

i feel like im fighting to be me. and slowly losing everyday. 

Albert Carmel once wrote: Bless to the hearts that can bend thou show never be broken But i wonder? If theres no breaking then theres no healing if theres no healing then theres no learning & if theres no learning theres no struggle but struggle is apart of life so must all hearts be broken.

What the hell is wrong with me? Falling in the same traps Ive set up for myself. I am disgusted and frustrated with myself. I swear, if you check one more time, just one more time, I will seriously, seriously gahhhhhhhhhhhh. verbal angry vomit, blast fight grr.

 

con·trol  (kn-trl)